When will you ever be over that… ?
Early last December I was out with a friend. We were in the Gay Village here in Toronto, having a coffee in the late afternoon. We got to talking about relationship and that brought me to speaking about some of what goes on in me and passes through me when I let myself dwell in the pain of rejection and heart ache that I am able to feel in the dissolution of a relationship.
As our conversation developed, I was a bit surprised as I spoke, that the friend that I was with, asked rather abruptly… “When will you ever be over that? … What will it take for you to move on?… It has been so long will you ever be over this?…”
The particular relationship, that I will speak of here, is not what one might expect. This is not about the severing of a relationship between two human beings but the dissolution of the relationship between myself, a human being, and a corporation.
These questions about the way I process my pain and grief around my separation, left me to wonder and ponder what was going on in me that I could not get over what had happened. This left me to analyze what really did happen and why I should feel so hurt by a business, a corporation.
First, I drew little distinction between the corporation and the human beings that were steering the ship, driving the organization. In my experience, the voices on the phone, the fingers typing the emails were human and not corporate.
Second, I had given, over several years, a lot of my energy, passion, skill and devotion to this company. I had given my human LIFE force to this corporate organization. Again it never felt like I was involved with a company but with a group of people. I felt I was involved with other human beings. I felt that all was friendly and that I could be vulnerable and continue to operate in my human way, rather than in the defenses of a hard-shelled corporate and very inhumane manner.
Last, I look at what really happened. All of it was business and I simply could not see that the humans I was dealing with could disengage from their money driven pursuit to get to a heart driven pursuit. The humans and the corporate zombies could not be separated. My defenses as a human were compromised and I simply had to close up and wall myself off from the corporate onslaught.
In the face of the dissolution of our once tender relationship, I had to defend myself in the most silent ways. I was threatened, by the other – my former partner, with all of the corporate defenses. These including law suits, the forfeiture of my daily income and finally the threat of unending bullying and threatening if I ever spoke or wrote of the experience that I had with this small and ultimately very predatory and dangerous corporation.
This is the crux of the whole experience for me. That these PEOPLE, fellow HUMAN BEINGS, could not act like the human beings that they looked like; however, instead stayed in their corporate, financial and money driven pursuit. This organization that spoke of spirit, this organization that spoke of heart, this organization that spoke of human integrity and human healing was ultimately unable to operate from a heart centered model and shifted to, what was for me, a rather vicious and hurtful, greedy corporate model.
I wonder to this day what happened to the humans that were involved in the operations of this business. These humans had touched me, showed themselves to me in truly human forms. Part of the hurt and the great sense of fracture in this very painful separation is that the humans disappeared and were replaced by vacuous and dangerous zombie like human forms that were simply robots of American Corporate culture.
So, back to the question, “when will I be over this”? I don’t think I ever will.
The experience, this rather ugly corporate divorce, has ingrained in me a wariness and deep felt skepticism of corporate culture. The experience has taught me that indeed, corporations are NOT human. This wariness and skepticism has me super vigilant as I work to operate in a heart centered world rather than in a corporate and money centered world.
Everyday this scar that is in me, poses to me the question and offers me the challenge… “Can you live your HUMAN life, and carry on your HUMAN business in life, from a HEART centered model?”
I have determined in my musings and in my stumbling through life that it is my greatest pleasure and my wildest dream to live my life fully from my heart. It is my profound desire to treat each and every being that I encounter in the most humane, kindly, compassionate and loving way that is within me. -♥-
Here I am everyday bringing forward, my very human SWEET JUICY HEART.
BE well! and Blessed BE! Glad to have a FAERIE name that fits.