Tags: awakening heart, Diving in Deep, Radically QUEER Toronto, Spirit
Tags: awakening heart, Diving in Deep, Joyful living
Rejection – Pain -♥- Sweet Juicy Heart at the Awaken Studio Toronto
A voyage through pain, from many sources, to a simple discovery.
Today. Monday June 13, 2016.
Today a day of feeling so much grief, so much loss and so much pain.
Yesterday was a full day. Holding space for a gathering of men sharing from the heart, at the same time, containing my knowledge of this terrible, terrible rampage of hate and violence and murder and compounded by the weirdness of being separated, for the day, from my husband, my love.
There were so many emotional and thoughtful elements yesterday that I went to sleep with a huge burden of emotional confusion. We had spent the day speaking in our ritualized circle and what I came away with, were twinges of memory around family and secrets and how mostly it was to be a gay boy child. Spending dinner in a quiet gathering instead of what was usually a raucous and vocal group. After cleaning up, I had of course, looked at social media and read the reactions of anger, seen the pictures of the gatherings and witnessed over the internet, the pain that glowed in the candlelight, being present to the terror and the fear and horror of not knowing who was alive and who was dead. As I prepared for sleep I wondered why I was feeling so detached from the events of the day. I was numb, a state unfamiliar to me.
In the night, I dreamt, dreams that I can not remember. I woke up with a resolve to not dwell in the ever repeating world of the “news”. I resolved instead to spend the day in introspection and wondering about my own feelings and my own process. I began the day, fixed myself a cup of coffee and looked at the newspaper. Unrolling this printed bundle of stories, the first that I read was the tormented and powerful text conversation of a mother receiving the love of her son, as he told her he was going to die and begged her to call the police and get help. The day turned solemn. All seemed hollow after reading of this parent’s love. My heart opened as I realized that I know my mother loved me in this way.
Going with my husband to lunch and not being able to speak with ease as we have in the past had this terrible confrontational conversation about gun control in the United States. We totally misunderstand each other and this creates some level of pain within me. The reason we go to lunch together is to prepare ourselves for the counselling session that we will be attending as a couple. During lunch I wonder how things will go. Just after lunch at the counsellor’s office which is just across the street we begin our conversation. My mood being as dark as it has been in a long time, my emotions running in a rich and dense pulse through me and my wanting so much to be understood.
We proceed in the session. Our conversation is deep and the love that we have for each other very present. The pain that we each had a sharp and constant draw of the blade. Our conversation continues, our understanding deepening our connection, solidifying who we are together. The sharing we create assisting each of us in going a little deeper. Our conversation falls from the torment of the present to the pains of the past.
Through the conversation the depth I reached was not surprising, as much as terrifying. I think I truly scared myself as I revealed the suicidal thoughts, the dark and horrible pain and the frustration of not sensing that I could reveal myself. The pain of being in relationship and not feeling that I could be me. The truth came out. The truth of hurt and loss and self-deprecation and sublimation of self to get acceptance and love. The joyful and uplifting part was that no part of this torment was actually coming from my husband. This torment came through me and my own process, and is a direct result of the many rejections that I have experienced and felt in my life.
In this session, I discovered that rejection can create pain, in the mind and in the body. That from rejection, humans can feel pain on emotional and physical levels. This pain not unlike the pain that comes from a cut or other physical violence. This pain, in me, so awful and so old. This pain connected in the most surprising places. Places that I had not connected before. Places that I thought were far in the past and if not from the far past that I had dealt with and survived. These rejections that had caused so much pain came from the rejection of who I was as a boy by my father, a myriad of rejections as to who I have been in my life as a male, rejections from contemporaries of my body and my way, of being and finally the most visceral rejection by the director of the American corporation that I had worked for over a five-year period.
All of this caused me to seek out some information about rejection, emotional abuse and pain. My quest for information, not surprising, given the myriad bursts of pain that I feel. Pain that is intensified when I am insecure about who I am. This pain can become greater when I am in the visceral act of separating myself from the perpetrator and the agents of the rejection and ostracism. I wondered about how this connected in a historical way, especially with my father, the experiences in school and the life I lived as a gay boy in a small rural setting. The information for me, from me, was that over time and space those old pains had settled. The new pain, the pain that I felt the strongest, was the pain and emotional violence from the most recent abuse. The cause of this pain and the perpetrator of the rejection was very obvious. Next was to search for the trigger of this newest wave of emotional pain.
I thought that the trigger was in something to do with colliding groups and conflicting values, all present in my day on Sunday and with the group that had gathered and all the energy that was brought forward looking to family connections. My next discovery was surprising. The pain that I have been feeling is not connected to this old pain, the pain comes directly from being told, by the director of the school that I had worked for, that I was “IRRELEVANT!”. The pain was being inflicted on me by the voice and actions of that inhumane, corporate director who said that what I cared for did not matter. Who I was was irrelevant. That my vision and my dream was not relevant to his business or the community that I was working from. The subsequent corporate bullying and the legal threats that ensued, were all backed up by the director’s partners, created an intensification of the pain then, and now.
All this emotional violence, the pain of isolation, the pain of having my voice muted and the pain of ostracization were flooding in me. I had worked so hard to contain the discomfort and distress perpetrated by my tormentor. The wound that I had so carefully addressed was irritated by all the recent vulnerability and was running close under the surface. The most painful part was that further below was the volcanic pain of being in the face of hatred and rejection. This intense pain of rejection and isolation was deeply triggered by the senseless hatred, violence and murder unleashed against the innocence of a group gathering to share in the dancing and loving and pure joy of being themselves in that nightclub in Orlando, Florida.
The conscious spirit streaming in me that needs to be myself, clashed with the historic message that I was not allowed to be who I truly was. This message of rejection most recently delivered by that managing director, I had worked for and then reinforced by his business partner. This rejection subsequently compounded and further reinforced by the forced ostracism and shunning by many of those I had worked with over those five years. My voice had been silenced. My vocal chords cut away by the threat of legal action.
Time has not healed this slash. My anger at being silenced and shunned has not dissipated. The wound has not been salved by loving self expression. The hurt and pain has not been replaced by the good works of years of dedication to self and conscious acts of self care. The flow of love that has calmed the pain of all those decades ago, has not calmed the hurt from this most recent rejection. The pain of that rejection inflamed and intensified by watching the senseless hate filled murder of those who are like me, those who were simply being themselves.
I wonder now, several hours later, what self-loving acts it will take to let me be myself, free of the pain of conformation. Secure in the fact that the world that I create loves me and accepts me. Will it be more of the practice of kindness, compassion and grace that I instill in the groups of men that I gather? Will it be more of the excitement and joy that is created when I can work with a man and create an experience that fulfills his deepest dreams? Will it be more glorious dancing? Will it be simply in the beauty of self expression and the great freedom that unfolds when a gathering of men can come together and practice loving kindness with both themselves and others?
From my musing today, I know that there are somethings that will ease over time. There are some things I will never forget. I know that there are somethings that I can forgive. Finally, I know with all of my heart that I simply can not forgive the senseless violence that is perpetrated on the earth, I can not forgive the murder of innocence nor the slaughter of fellow human beings.
I know, in every atom of my being that I deserve to be on this earth. I know, that my voice and my love will persevere through all of my work and all that I create. I know, with every fiber of my physical form that those who dare to be themselves will never be extinguished, will never be eradicated from this earth.
I look forward to the day when life is free from pain and we can be gloriously loving, gracious and kind human beings.
Tags: awakening heart, Joyful living, QUEER Spirit, Radically QUEER Toronto, Spirit
-♥- JOY – A Queer Heart Tradition -♥-
Sweet Juicy Heart at the Awaken Studio Toronto
How is it possible to find JOY in anything?
Today as I prepared food for the gathering of the Queer Heart Talking Circle I found myself in a totally joyous state. A state similar to what I might find myself in as I prepare to go on a vacation, prepare my home for a special guest, or drive to the airport in anticipation of bringing home a family member. This JOY seemed strange to me and I pondered for a few moments and realized the profound and grounding effect of preparing food for the group of men who will gather, share their stories, lives and loves.
The Queer Heart Talking Circle has become a tradition within my realm, my life. Just as some celebrate the tradition of Christmas, get excited, feel joy and thrill at the preparation involved. Once a month I prepare for for this gathering of men, I get excited, feel joy and I get totally thrilled as I prepare food, prepare the space, polish the talismans that we will hold as we speak, place the candles and open the door.
This thrill and total state of JOY is something that I hold dear to my heart. I feel myself becoming powerful, free and clear as I enter this state of JOY. I know that this state is possible as it comes out of the tradition that we hold in the Queer Heart Talking Circle. This tradition of being KIND, GRACIOUS and CONSIDERATE of others, this tradition of feeding one another and holding space for each other as we each take our space, this tradition of gathering and holding each other in loving light. These traditions create a unique and distinct atmosphere, an atmosphere and place where we can truly be ourselves as we create expressions and extensions into the world, of our unique and individual LOVE and JOY. Writing this thrills me. Posting this thrills me. Feeling the JOY of anticipation thrills me.
I am so totally looking forward to gathering and being held within the next Queer Heart Talking Circle.
The Queer Heart Talking Circle monthly at the Awaken Studio in Toronto. Share the JOY.
OH YES! and the best of the tiny tidbits is # 3 all the way!
Events for June and July at the Awaken Studio Toronto
Information or Questions – Send an email to Phillip at firstname.lastname@example.org
Tags: Coaching Gay Men, Counselling Gay Men, Erotic Bodywork for Men - Toronto, Joyful living, Phillip Coupal Coaching Counselling Bodywork, Radically QUEER Toronto, Toronto Erotic Education
Looking to the future
June 1, 2016 – As I begin the cycle and prepare the foundations for the practices and explorations that will be created at the Awaken Studio over the the next months and indeed into and through the remainder of 2016 and the first half of 2017. The focus of this next journey at the Awaken Studio and within my practice with clients and my own personal practice is the exploration and embodiment of Masculine Energy.
The JOURNEY to the Divine Masculine – Sacred Male Energy
“Male Shakti is one of the most potent powers on the planet. What are you using it for? What are you living for? Are you fighting against love or for love? Are you fighting from your wounds? From your anger, your fear, your disappointment, and disempowerment? Are you lashing out to hurt others because you have been hurt yourself? Are you programmed to defend because you have felt attacked so many times? Is there a cold place in your heart that no longer cares?”
From: True Masculine Essence
Come Out and Come In and Come Home – Awaken Studio Toronto
The Program and Event Calendar for the period of September 2016 to August 2017 will be populated over the next few weeks. Please check the web page for current events at: Awaken Studio Calendar Events with Phillip Coupal
- Awaken Studio
- 276 Carlaw Ave, Upstairs Unit 217B
- Toronto, ON Canada M4M 3L1
A welcoming, safe and supportive environment for all men, to explore erotic and sexual experience, through exploratory education, experimentation, play and willing curiosity.
The Awaken Studio provides a space where with communal and humanistic intention all men are welcome to dynamically and fluidly, create, explore and or re-experience sexual story and history.
Men awaken, transform and ascend to a state of powerful, peaceful, joyful, and ecstatic transcendence.
Tags: awakening heart, Breathing, Coaching Gay Men, Counselling Gay Men, Creating something new, Diving in Deep, Erotic Bodywork for Men - Toronto, Joyful living, Learning, Phillip Coupal Coaching Counselling Bodywork, Toronto Erotic Education, Trust
Someone asked me “What got me interested in doing what I do?” My response took some time as I needed to go through a few layers.
Right down at the bottom was that there was nothing here in Toronto that offered me what I was looking for. A safe place for me to gather with other men, to talk, touch and simply be myself without judgement and without having to become someone that I was not.
As a part of the story, I had travelled often to the United States to participate and assist in the events that offered what I was looking for. I wanted more of this and I wanted it with the people who are directly in my life on a day to day basis. I was tired of travelling. I was tired of making myself fit the corporate image that was demanded of me to be a part of these practices, for men coming together to be themselves as they related with other men. In my travels I had learned extensively about “holding space”, “creating a safe and uplifting environment” and ultimately I had learned that one of my strengths was that I could be myself, relaxed and loving as I welcomed men into the spaces and places of my dreams. I could find myself and be myself as I supported the men around me to be themselves.
The beginning of the Awaken Studio took place here in Toronto in March of 2012 as I prepared to offer this space for many events as a part of a very diverse program. The “NEW Beginning” really took place a few months later as I realized that I was totally and profoundly alone and on my own. I realized that my travelling days were behind me and that I simply needed to stand in my own ability to create, innovate and be exactly who I wanted to be. I had to give myself permission to cut the ties and simply be me and go for what I wanted and what I had dreamed of all of my life.
From the beginning, back in 2012 and even before that, for what seems to me to be all of time, I have grown and developed and found myself. I have explored and discovered the strength to stand on my own as I accept help, love and support from those around me. I have learned and found how to transform fear and uncertainty into permission to move forward fearlessly.
As an ongoing practice of my life I express gratitude on a daily basis. Today I find that I am profoundly grateful for the teachers that have brought me to this place. I can even say that I am profoundly grateful for those who have done their best to belittle me, tell me that I am irrelevant, that I will not succeed and that I am misguided for doing this on my own, I am actually able to be thankful to these bullies and miss guided souls. I am profoundly grateful for the men who I interact with daily for they are the reason that I live. I am profoundly grateful for my husband of over 40 years as he is the reason that I can love the way I do.
The Happy Ending is not nearly so fraught with angst and fear as the New Beginning. The Happy Ending is really an ongoing opening into the world as I become more and more myself, grateful everyday for the world around me and the LOVE and BEAUTY that supports me and nourishes me.
LOVE – LIGHT and Blessings to all.
Tags: awakening heart, Coaching Gay Men, Counselling Gay Men, Diving in Deep, Erotic Bodywork for Men - Toronto, Phillip Coupal Coaching Counselling Bodywork, Radically QUEER Toronto, Toronto Erotic Education
March … the month of NEW beginnings
Begin something NEW this week at the Awaken Studio
Tuesday March 8 – 8:00 pm to 9:30 pm
Naked Yoga for Men
Wednesday March 8 – 7:00 pm to 10:00 pm
Explore Tantra for Men
Thursday March 10 – 8:00 pm to 9:30 pm
Orgasmic Energy Exploration for Men
Saturday March 12 – 10:00 am to 11:30 am
Naked Yoga for Men
Sunday March 13 – 1:00 pm top 5:30 pm
Queer Heart Talking Circle
Registration continues for
Ecstatic Path Weekend Experience
with William McMeniman and Phillip Coupal
April 29, 30 and May 1
Kamasuta the Pleasure Journey
Summer Day Camp for Men
July 2 to 8
Information – Curiousity – Questions
Email Phillip at email@example.com
A discussion about the difference between PERMISSION and RESPONSIBILITY occurring across the breakfast table this morning.
We are given our responsibilities by the society and the world that surrounds us. Responsibility is very often an external force that is dictated to us and forces us to be in a generative mode that is outside of ourselves. Permission is something we give ourselves. Permission is something that comes from within and is formulated out of a consensus within ourselves.
Much of this conversation comes from some recent reading that demanded “Take RESPONSIBILITY for your EROTIC EDUCATION.” I immediately retracted as I read this and looked to what had created that retraction within me. I all came from a place inside of me that had been forced to take something that I did not want and shoulder the weight of this unwanted demon and I gritted my teeth and took RESPONSIBILITY. I looked at this and thought what could I do that could be different. I could give myself PERMISSION to create my EROTIC LIFE. Tis felt so much more fluid and easy to take on.
The permissions inside of me can understand creation vs taking. The permissions inside of me can understand an erotic life. The permissive part of me can wonder with great scepticism about what an erotic education could possibly look like. I decided that I would forgo responsibility and look to the permissive parts of myself and look to what I could possibly create.
Oh YES! I say let’s be creative and free together. Let us not be forced into taking something that we do not want and can not understand.
Oh YES! I say let’s be joyful together as we co-create a new way, a way that is outside of the condescension and force of an outsiders demand.
Oh YES! I say let’s be ourselves and we commingle and get sweet and juicy together.
The wonder of all of this for me is so much about how I choose and create this consensus within. Halleluja and the universe be praised for self determination and individuality.
Today I give myself permission to create my erotic life. Come and play in my loving laboratory. Come and be yourself as you give yourself permission to create the life of your dreams.
LOVE Phillip – Sweet Juicy Heart here at the Awaken Studio in Toronto
Tags: awakening heart, Counselling Gay Men, Erotic Bodywork for Men - Toronto, Phillip Coupal Coaching Counselling Bodywork, Toronto Erotic Education
Wondering today about heroes and I looked to Eartha Kitt.
Listening to Eartha Kitt I was struck by an act of generosity bestowed upon me by a man who I admire. This man has lived a life that I can not imagine. There was something that brought me to the life of Eartha Kitt. Reading about her life I realized why she was such an icon to Gay Men in the 60’s and 70’s. She was such a rebel and came from such a strange and tormented beginning.
There are so many elements that I can identify with as read the life and history of this beautiful and passionate woman and I mused and was inspired by the generosity of the man who took me to dinner last night.
Born in 1927 in a rural and poverty laden environment Kitt must have wondered what it was like to fit in and as well know the absolute and horrid bluntness of being rejected.
The particular element that stood out and had me in tears over my coffee was this quote:
“In a 1992 interview with Dr. Anthony Clare, Kitt spoke about her gay following, saying:
We’re all rejected people, we know what it is to be refused, we know what it is to be oppressed, depressed, and then, accused, and I am very much cognizant of that feeling. Nothing in the world is more painful than rejection. I am a rejected, oppressed person, and so I understand them, as best as I can, even though I am a heterosexual.”
The part of this quote that rang out to me was of course the opening and my total identification with rejection. I do know what it is like to be refused. I also can identify as the man who took me to dinner last night was a man who had been “accused”, accused of a sexuality that was at that time rejected. I could identify and be very empathic as there have been certainly points in my life where I was “accused: for being gay, a homosexual. The part where I identify more though is is the deep and resounding rejection I often feel from the “culture” establishment that surrounds me and the corporate culture that I totally believe robs each individual of their humanity.
All the more reason to simply be me. All the more reason to take a stand and hold forth for what I believe is the calling of humanity.
TOUJOUR GAI From the Broadway Show “Shinbone Alley” (1957) (Joe Darion / George Kleinsinger) Eartha Kitt (Broadway Production) – 1957 Tammy Grimes (TV Production) – 1960 Carol Channing (Animated Film Production) – 1971TOUJOUR GAI From the Broadway Show "Shinbone Alley" (1957) (Joe Darion / George Kleinsinger) Eartha Kitt (Broadway Production) - 1957 Tammy Grimes (TV Production) - 1960 Carol Channing (Animated Film Production) - 1971 My youth I shall never forget But there's nothing I really regret The years I have poured down the drain Have sparkled like gold in champagne It's cheerio my dearrio Prance and pirouette It's cheerio my dearrio There's a life in me yet Toujour gai, toujour gai, toujour gai, toujour gai Toujour gai, toujour gai, toujour gai I sing all my troubles away I don't care to cry with a king But with any old beggar I'll sing I'll dance in the sun or the shade To any old tune that is played I'll sing 'neath a bleary-eyed moon A rowdy and rollicking tune But no time for sleeping have I I'll sleep long enough when I die It's cheerio my dearrio Prance and pirouette It's cheerio my dearrio There's a life in me yet Toujour gai, toujour gai, toujour gai, toujour gai Toujour gai, toujour gai, toujour gai I'll sing away my troubles They'll vanish like bubbles I'll sing all my troubles away Toujour gai, toujour gai, toujour gai (Toujour gai, toujour gai, toujour gai) (Transcribed by Monique Adriaansen & Mel Priddle - April 2005)